For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it away on poker.
Old habits die hard.
I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time (car getting stolen, car accidents, getting fired, and the list continues)… the consequences that take place, due to gambling, is a pain that can lead to a word I cannot describe.
Maroon 5’s iconic album, Songs About Jane, has over 10 songs that focus on Adam Levine’s relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Jane.
The songs on the albums are classic and the reason why it spoke to so many is that Adam Levine was unafraid and unapologetically authentic to turn his heartache into art. This may not be the best example to why I made a video about my ex-girlfriend, but it’s something I felt I had to do at moment.
I understand the breakup happened so many years ago, November 8th, 2015 to be exact. Therefore, the questions you could have on your mind is… why did you make the video now? Have you moved on?
I’ve been having issues with the content I’ve been posting on YouTube. When I set out to start getting back on the YouTube grind, I told myself I was going to be honest, genuine, authentic in every way possible.
However, I’ve been unable to be authentic because I’ve been omitting pieces of my stories to hide the truth.
I was recently asked to tell an embarrassing story.
This is the story –
Two years ago, the girlfriend at the time and I decided to have a home-cooked meal for our “date night.” We planned it all. We were going to make homemade Vietnamese pho and simply catch up on the lives we were leading.
Couple things. Couple goals. Relationship goals.
All those hashtags.
By the way, this wasn’t some gentrified Asian-Fusion pho we (she) made. This was some high-quality dish where her ancestors would’ve been proud.
I’m using this post as more of a place to calm myself. This is where I’ll continue to talk about relationships, my own mental health, car accidents, family matters, and anything that just needs to be said… for me.
It’s what I used to do and it is the one thing I miss doing. I haven’t written just for myself, with no regard of what others thought, in a very long time.
I recently wrote this on Facebook. However, I want these words to stay here forever so I’m going to paste the status here. Enjoy –
This is going to be the longest piece I’ve ever written on FB. But I don’t care because these are words I never want to forget.
In the beginning of 2017 I got into a major car accident. The car I was driving barreled into the air and then dropped perpendicular on the freeway: the oncoming cars, the blood dripping down my forehead, blood coming out of my left hand, and the screams on the scene is something I see and hear most nights in my dreams.
Fade to 4:39am and this ambiguous structure of words that need to be stretched out, stripped out, and then torn out to extrapolate the pain floating in my head.
Who knew laying in bed since 9pm would make 4:39am so deadly? To be awake, to be energized, but then to be surrounded by inactivity or the inability to be active, is destructive.
It is in 4am – I can’t do anything.
So, I think. Thinking is dangerous.
Dramatically. I’m thinking of her.
I thought I was thinking of her because I wanted to see if there was a way to win her back. I know getting back together would be detrimental to both our happiness right now. But, what I do know is that I have a few images I’m unable to fight back. Images of her.
Here are a few memories I’ll never be able to let go: