A few weeks ago I relapsed and I gambled.
For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it away on poker.
Old habits die hard.
I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time (car getting stolen, car accidents, getting fired, and the list continues)… the consequences that take place, due to gambling, is a pain that can lead to a word I cannot describe.
How do I put it? Hmmm
When I gamble, the following events that take place are not fixable. For example, well this is an extreme example, once I had this week long poker session and at the end of it… I got into a massive car accident where my car flipped and many were injured (my car flipped 360 degrees).
I understand this is a very extreme example. In fact to say the accident happened because I gambled can be seen as reaching. But this happens time and time again. Basically, I will say that horrible things happen when I gamble.
The most recent gambling session led to two situations: the first is when the new video I published had to be deleted from my channel.
This video was very important in the fact that not only did it take many months to create the episode (investment of time), but also the fact that the channel was slowly climbing up again due to the quality of content.
I was devastated with myself and the mistakes I made that led to the deletion of the video. The only thing left to do was to smile, start over, and think of a new plan.
The second situation…
I participated in a video series for the YouTube channel Jubilee and I made a fool of myself. The video will be coming out very, very soon.
I’m anxious. I’m nervous. My fucking heart is slowly protruding out of my stomach. I’m about to puke out the pulse making drum beats in my neck. I fucked up and I know that the results won’t be any good.
Thankfully the internet is the internet and the video will be forgotten when a new video takes over. However, for a brief moment (maybe a couple weeks or months or whatever), the comments will pour in and hit my heart really hard. It’ll be embarrassing. Some friends may reach out and, I don’t know if I’ll be able to take the hate.
I deserve the pain.
I think what’s worse is I’m always thinking about what other people think of me… and it’s usually my “ex” and my “ex-friends” and people who are rooting for my demise.
I think of them when I make the decisions I make… I feel their judgement and by catering myself to please them… I end up embarrassing myself. There is a saying, if you try to please everyone, you won’t please anyone.
It’s a weird internal thing I go into. In one hand I’m fighting to be myself and in the other hand I’m trying to please / impress the people who aren’t even rooting for me. What ends up happening? Emotional incongruity, the perception that I lack of passion, and the inability to be truly be vulnerable.
In this Jubilee video, which I’ll be ripped into shreds with, I will admit that I wasn’t being 100% honest with my actions. There were moments of truth, but the next few moments I was thinking of the people who had the potential of watching me. For example, there is this moment (and they might show this) where I’m vibing with a girl and she states that she’s in college.
I know for a fact that I’m into her because her personality just feels so good. However, because I care about other’s have said to me (my sisters, my ex, and other friends)… I decided to not CHOOSE her because she’s “young”.
Granted I have a career but I’m YOUNG.
So what ends up proceeding?
People that are listening. This is what happens when you’re not emotionally congruent. This is what happens when you care about the wrong things.
I understand. I need to grow up and not care about what these people think of me… it’s funny because when I don’t care and just be “me” is when I find myself to be most confident. When I DGAF… I don’t make stupid gaffs, say dumb things that I’ll regret, or put myself in an embarrassing situation that I can’t get out of.
When I don’t care about the people who don’t care about me… I have more control over my life.
I cannot wait for this Jubilee video to come out because I’ll be doing a reaction video and then we’ll move on from all the going-ons in my mind.
I want to be able to critique what I did and learn.
God. The video is so cringe worthy.
It’s a lesson to be learned.
What can be learned here?
Be more decisive.
Know what you want.
Be more confident.
Stop caring about what the people who don’t care about you
I miss the time I was confident with myself and women. I miss the time I was more decisive. I miss the time where I didn’t care and I wasn’t trying to please anyone by proceeding with actions that I didn’t agree with. I miss being authentically myself.
Honestly, the last time I was “me” was way back in February of 2010. Yes, I had spurts because I was able to run a business, make viral videos, and do so many beautiful things. However, I wasn’t consistent because I failed myself.
I need to work harder.
I’m going to be honest.
I was lazy.
I blamed the world.
Then I blamed myself and did nothing about it.
I’ll say it again.
I need to work harder.
Let’s see if I’ll learn from these mistakes.
I’m currently vlogging again on my channel as I begin to create a new one.
We’ll see what happens.
Thank you for listening.
Some house in California.
12:30 AM on a Tuesday.
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